When "E" is better than "A"

Photo by Aneta Pawlik on Unsplash

The Birthday Candle Incident

"I want to blow the candle!"

"It's not even your birthday!"

"Stop pushing me! Stop it!!!"

There I was, trying to get their attention for a family photo, "ok everybody, look here, ready,1, 2, ..."

"Pfffffttttt... pppftppfftt..." Before any one could react, the littlest one blew out the sole candle with great gusto, grinning from ear to ear.

Kiddo 2, shocked by the disappearance of the merrily dancing flame, immediately yelled, "mei mei (little sister) always does this! I never get to blow the candles. IT''S NO FAIR!!!" Her shouts dissolved into sobs, the injustice and anger of her young sibling "cutting queue" again was too much to contain.

"You are older, of course you give way to mei mei - she's too young to understand. But you are old enough to get it right? You're a big girl now." someone chipped in. As her crying got even louder, I wondered what she truly needed to feel soothed.

_____

Writer's Block

"This isn't working", I thought to myself as I pushed my chair away from the desk. "Dear, can you come look at this? I'm feeling really stuck and uninspired."

I watched my husband's face as he read what's on screen. He frowned.

"Yeah... Kids fight all the time. Older folks in that generation say stuff like this. Parents manage squabbles daily. It's not very interesting. Maybe you should switch off your laptop, it's so late already. Do you have to finish this today? Why don't we go downstairs for a walk? Want me to scoop ice-cream for you? Or get some chocolate?"

He looked at me expectantly. He was trying extremely hard to comfort me, but why did it feel off, somehow?

"This is not helpful? Ok I go back to the study. Call me if you want anything else."

My eyes widened, and I started to shake with laughter.

"Very funny meh? I'm really trying to help."

"Dear, can't you see? Like the birthday candle fiasco, it feels awful because we don't want to be appeased or pacified! We want people to empathise with how we feel."

"Oh... Ok! I give you a hug now! A hug always works."

_____

Have you experienced anything similar to these two incidents? You're with a friend to vent about something that's troubling you. As they listen, with best intentions, they offer advice or solutions. Perhaps this happens before you even get to the end of your story as they are so eager to help.

"Rewrite your profile on the app, or change the pictures?"

"I try to be less emotional in front of bosses and colleagues."

"Install blocking apps in your kid's phone! Or say you will cut their pocket money if they want more screen time."

How did it feel in those moments? Was it useful? Did you want to let out a big wail of frustration like my niece, or laugh out loud like me?

Human beings are social creatures. We mirror and sense each other's feelings and moods. When someone who's upset comes to us, we feel what they feel to various degrees too. The distress can be so unbearable, it makes us want to remove it somehow - whether by appeasing, problem-solving, distracting, or withdrawing.

"Turning Toward" vs. "Turning Away"

These conversations and moments of vulnerability are critical for our relationships. The Gottman Institute has studied over 40,000 couples and concluded that couples who consistently "turn toward" each other by reaching out for connection and reciprocating with gestures of acknowledgement and care have much stronger relationships. Couples who "turn away", either ignoring or not noticing these attempts for connection, find more conflict and challenges in their relationships. 

The research highlighted a "magic ratio" of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction during conflict as an important characteristic of healthy and fulfilling relationships.

Although this research is based on interactions within romantic relationships, the paradigm of "turning toward" and "turning away" exists in all relationships that involve seeking connection with another person, be it in our family, social, community, or professional contexts.  

CONVERSATION EXPERIMENT - EMPATHY BEFORE APPEASEMENT

Our internal conversation

If we feel the urge to jump in when someone is still speaking, let's pause. While the intention is good, consider unintended effects that could be created.

Silence could give the other person time to collect themselves. Or offer them space to share what's really weighing on them.

Notice how you are feeling inside. Are you distracted, stressed, or really engaged and still wanting to listen? Do you want to turn towards or away from this uncomfortable conversation?

If you are the person confiding in someone, give them ways to support you by sharing what you need from the conversation, "hey, I would love for you to listen for now. I need some encouragement and for someone to tell me I tried my best given the situation." Sometimes people want to turn towards us but are unsure how. Having specific requests can be so helpful.

If you happen to be the one rushing to resolve an issue or trying to distract yourself with doom-scrolling, online-shopping, or bingeing shows, recognise that you are turning away from honestly meeting with your true thoughts and feelings on the matter. Give yourself some space too! When you are more ready, meet yourself with this question, "what is my impatience/urgency/anxiety/stress trying to show me?" Your reflections could surprise you or lead you to wisdom within you that's waiting to emerge.

The external conversation

Take another moment to really pay attention to the person who's confiding in you. That's also a way of turning towards, or trying to empathise with someone. They've decided to trust you with something important. Notice their facial expressions, body language or tone of voice - they are also communicating through that.

Ask clarifying questions to better understand what they are sharing. Try checking what they might find useful: "would you like me to just listen" or "would you like me to weigh in on this"? Offer a perspective gently if you are invited to.

Perhaps, the best we can do in those moments is to simply be with them and our discomfort, if any. See what happens when they are allowed to unburden themselves. Maybe they haven't had the experience of deep listening, or a warm presence without judgement.

Try it. In the meantime, I'm going to pack extra birthday candles to the next party, because it's sooo nice to have people turn towards us and really empathise with what we feel.